The Real Me

                Walking across the Convention Center stage in my oversized golden graduation gown, I looked into the crowd of my peers and smiled. It was finally happening that I was leaving the one place where I couldn’t be myself. The high school was the only place where I felt pain. I was too afraid to show people the real me. I was too afraid to be unique and stand out. I cared too much about what people thought of me. And it controlled my life.

The thing is I wasn’t like those really shy people. I let everyone know that I knew the answer to a math question and I let them think I was brilliant. When in reality, it took me twenty minutes to get the answer to that question. I didn’t like getting up in front of the class to present a project or to answer a question. Sometimes my nerves got so bad that I would speak really fast and not breathe. Other times, I would shake uncontrollably. I hated having all eyes on me.  It felt like I was being watched.

I lived my life the way I thought fit me best. I was an outsider during school but at home I was myself. I had no confidence and I had no desire to obtain it. I didn’t know what I would do with myself if I had confidence and someone took it away from me. So, instead, I had none. Someone can’t take something away from you when you never had it in the first place, right? But I didn’t feel bad about myself, either.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fighting an extensive war with being overweight. I can’t recall a time when I was made fun of because I was chubbier than the other girls. Throughout high school, I can’t count on my fingers how many different diets I tried. It was pretty pitiful. I counted calories, I counted fat, and I counted carbs! You name it, I counted it. And then I got an iPhone. I got the Lose It! app and lost five pounds in two weeks. Not too shabby, eh? But it didn’t last long. I got too lazy to exercise or worry about calories. In March of senior year, I signed up for weight watchers and lost twenty pounds in a month. It was absolutely amazing. I felt better about myself. But with finals and graduation, stress eating became my hobby. I gained ten of my twenty-five pounds back. I felt disgusting. My parents were disappointed in me for giving up and not trying hard enough. But I was more disappointed in myself for letting them down.

The Imperfectly Perfect Relationship

                  Jay and Annette had the perfect relationship. He was the quarterback of the football team and she was the valedictorian. He made multiple touch downs and she made straight-A’s. He stood with the “it” crowd and she stood with the nerds. He dated pretty blondes and she dated no one. He only existed in her dreams and she only existed when he needed help with schoolwork. They were complete opposites who fell deeply in love.

            It was as if faith was pushing them together all four years of high school. Jay and Annette had homeroom together and at least one other class together all four years yet he had no idea who she was. She knew who he was. Who didn’t know who he was? She was his biggest fan. She knew everything about him, from when his birthday was to his favorite food. She knew absolutely everything.
            Senior year is when it all happened. Annette got her braces off and grew into her nose, and became one of the most attractive girls in Cornell High School. Still, Jay had no idea who she was. She was invisible in his eyes and was about ready to give up on her crush when, on one fateful day, they were partnered up together for an end-of-the-year project.
            “Hey, I’m Jay.” He said when he sat down next to her.
            “Yeah, I know.” She said.
            “I’m sorry but I don’t know who you are.”
            She snorted. “Annette Washington. And, I’ve only been in your homeroom all four years.”
            “I know you! You look different.” He said.
            "I've grown up. High school does that to a person." She said.
            "High school has been very nice to you."
            "Thanks . . . I think." She shook her head. "How about we start this project?"
             They worked day and night on the school project. Annette wanted to keep her straight-A's but she was finding that terribly difficult to do with the love of her love sitting next to her. She knew that the crush she had on Jay was absurd but she couldn't help it. Love was love and she was determined to do something about it. She took a bold step and invited him over to her house to work instead of working at his house.
             "Are these pictures of you as a baby?" He asked.
             "I think I should have reminded my dad to take those down." She said.
             "No, they're cute. I like seeing this side of my friends."
             "Oh. I didn't know we were friends."
             "Of course we are!" He said.
             "Two weeks ago you didn't know who I was. Now we're friends? The last time I checked, we're partners." She said.
             "I knew who you were."
             "Then why did you act like you had no idea who I was?"
             "Because I didn't want you to know that I asked Mrs. Timms to partner us together." He confessed.
             "This isn't making any sense. Why would you ask her to put us together?" She asked.
             "I have two reasons why, actually. Firstly, you're the valedictorian, and secondly, I've had a crush on you for the longest time."
             "Is this a cruel joke or a bet?" She asked.
             "I've done a lot of bad things in my past but I would never do that to anyone. I promise." He said.
             "This is unreal." She said.
             "What are you talking about?"
             "I've liked you since the first day of homeroom together but you acted like I didn't exist. Why now the sudden interest?"
             "I guess high school has been good to me too. I'm not an immature freshman anymore. I've changed. And for the better." He said.
             "What did you think you could accomplish by asking to work with me?" She asked.
             "A chance. That's all I wanted."
             "A chance at what?"
             "Okay, you're extremely stupid for an extremely smart girl. I like you. I want to date you. I want a chance with you." He said.
              She smiled. "I think you just lost your chance when you called me stupid."
             "Really?" He asked.
             "No."
             He smiled and they finished their project. After a short time of dating secretly, they decided to take their love public. It was by far the best high school love story at Cornell High. I don't know where they are now but I know they are in love and will forever be in love. 

Prom

          There was a time in my life when Prom was all I thought about. I hated the fact that I wasn't asked when I was a Freshman or a Sophomore. By the time I was a Junior, I didn't want to go. There was just something about not going with a date that made it less spectacular. I wanted to feel like a princess in my gown, walking into Prom with a prince that had rescued me from my lonely and pathetic life. I always thought it would be one of the "popular" guys. I guess I forgot that they were shallow as all get out.
           Senior year rolled around and there was no way to get out of Prom again. My mother made me promise that I would go Senior year. I was put through multiple hours of agony, trying on dress after dress, dreading the way I looked in all of them. Three hours were spent in David Bridal's looking for dresses that didn't fit me right. My sister found her perfect dress. Oh! I forgot to mention that I was forced to take my Sophomore sister. It was pretty sad that she found her dress before I did. Later that day, we made our way to Deb, where I found the perfect dress. It was mint green with pearls and jewels on the straps. I instantly fell in love with the dress.
          For month's after finding the perfect dress, the weeks were filled with buying my Prom tickets and my post-prom tickets, finding the right nail salon, and picking the hair-style that worked best with my hair. My best friend, sister, my sister's best friend, and I decided to go in a huge group. We adopted two more people into the group and voted my parents to drive us to the hotel. We ate at Red Robins before getting dressed all fancy-like and then went back home and got ready. It was endless picture taking before getting in the van to go. It was hell getting in and out of the van with my body-length dress and heels.
           We stood in line for a good half-hour before getting tested for alcohol and finding a table to take my devil shoes off. My best friend and I met up with some friends and headed to the dance floor. It was odd at first, we were too embarrassed to dance. After a few hours, we broke out of our shells and started dancing. It was hard to stop. The entire time while dancing, I wished that I had a date to grind on like the rest of the girls were doing with their boyfriends. I would have given anything to have been swept off my feet by the prince I've been wishing for since day one.
             The night was coming to an end and still no prince, no grinding, and no wish come true. Sure, I was having fun with my best friend, but I couldn't help but think it would have been better with a date.  
            "Excuse me, Johanna?"
            I turned to see a guy standing behind me with his hand stretched out towards me.
            "Yes?"
            "May I have this dance?"
            "I don't know who you are."
            "Does it matter?"
            "I guess not. Sure."
             He might not have been my prince nor did I ever find out who he was but he made my night ten times better just by asking me to dance. Prom night ended on a great note.

Fireworks

            I dreamed of my first kiss since I was a little girl. Princess movies and love stories helped me fantasize the perfect kiss. At first, I wanted to have my first kiss under the moonlight during a picnic date. I had everything planned, from the type of sandwiches we would eat to which way our heads would be tilted. I imagined fireworks going off in my head as my knee would bend backward.

            After my fantasy to have my first kiss under the moonlight, I imagined something a little more realistic. I saw my first kiss in the high school parking lot in front of his car, in front of all his friends to see. There were still fireworks and my leg bending upwards. It was the perfect time for a first kiss. It was romantic and so much more.

            I met Brandon in health class. I don’t think I’ve met anyone like him before in my life. She was sweet and funny, adorable and handsome. He reminded me a little of Nolan Funk, with his lightly colored hair and his facial features. He even had a mole above his mouth. Brandon was my celebrity crush in a non-famous form. He made it very difficult for me to hide my affection for him. He knew exactly how to get a reaction out of me.

            “Hey, want to work together on this book assignment?” He touched my arm.

            I looked up and bit my tongue. “Thank you for the offer but I think I’m going to work on this alone.” I said.

            “Come on. It’ll make this go by a lot faster.” He moved his thumb in circles on my arm.

            I gave in and we worked together for the first time and out relationship started to bloom. We saw each other in secret; it wasn’t something we could celebrate in public because of his friends. Let me just say, I wasn’t the most attractive or skinniest person in the school but I was the only one who didn’t care about what I looked like or what I wore. I think Brandon called it “down to earth.”  

            It was pretty tough watching him get invited all these parties I wasn’t invited to with some girl I didn’t know, knowing that I could never be the one to go with him. I made a quick decision and decided it was time to set him free. I couldn’t handle having some blonde bimbo hang all over him while I sit at home and hope that I still had a boyfriend.

            “Brandon, this really isn’t working anymore.” I confessed.

            “What are you talking about? Our relationship hasn’t been better until now.” He said.

            “This isn’t a relationship. This is a fling.”

            “A fling?”

            “Yes, a fling. We don’t go out in public for our dates and I’m tired of ordering take-out and watching movies I’ve already seen before. And, I don’t know how much longer I can watch you go to a party with another girl.” I said.            

            “Kaela, this isn’t a fling. If this were a fling, then I wouldn’t have the strong feelings for you that I do. This is love.” He took my hands.

            “I wouldn’t be in this much pain if this is love. If this is what love truly is, then I don’t want it.”

            I walked out of health and didn’t look back. It wasn’t worth the pain to stay with him when he obviously didn’t care about my feelings. I used to think that the one person I loved more than world itself would want to show me off and not keep me locked in my room like I’m some sort of a monster.

            I should’ve seen through how he treated me so nicely. I don’t know why I thought a relationship with him would work. We came from different worlds. We were like the Greasers and the Socs. I was a Greaser and he was a Soc. It would be better for the both of us if it stayed that way. Yet, he was so persistent in trying to make it work between us. I refused the entire time.

            It wasn’t until the Homecoming dance that he proved that the love he had for me was pure. “Please, will you go to the Homecoming dance with me?” He asked.

            “No.” I said.

            “Please attend the dance with me.”

            “No.”

            “Kaela, I know what I did was wrong but, please, let me make it up to you. You deserve it.” He said.

            “Well, I’m not going to the dance. Take Clover. Don’t you take her to all the other parties?” I accused. “Don’t worry about me. I’m a big girl.”

             He didn’t ask me again. He didn’t even talk to me, oh no, he just stared from afar. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when he showed up at my house the night of the Homecoming dance.

            “I really don’t understand why you’re here, Brandon. I told you I wasn’t going to the dance and it would be better if I didn’t go with you so you don’t lose your friends, and Clover can actually think she has a chance with—”

            He kissed me and it was unexpected yet wonderful. “Now that was worth the wait.”

            He planted a few tiny kisses on my lips and took my hands. “Brandon, this shouldn’t be happening.” I said.

            “Why can’t you just let us be in love? I’m trying really hard to make up for what I’ve done. I want to attend this dance with you. I want all my friends to meet the girl I’ve fallen deeply in love with.” He said.

            “Are you sure you’re willing to lose friends over this?”

            “If they can’t see why I fell in love with you, then they are no friend of mine.”

            I agreed to go to the dance with him. No one questioned why we were together and Clover didn’t come near us. We danced at all times and he didn’t let me dance with anyone but him. We snuck out of the dance when it was time to name king and queen.

            “Don’t you want to know if you won?” I asked.

            “And leave you? No.” He smiled.

            “I don’t want you to miss out on being king!”

            “Being with you, I already feel like a king.”

            “I love you, Brandon.” I said.

            “Not near as much as I love you.”

             He kissed me under the moonlight and fireworks were set off in my head. My leg bent behind me, making my kiss the best one I’ve ever had and more. 

Follow Your Heart

            All my life I’ve wished that one guy would fall for me. Just one guy that would make me feel beautiful and loved. Someone I could tell all my secrets to without judgment and love me anyway. Oddly enough, I’ve dreamed of the moment when I’m swept off my feet by the man of my dreams. I mean, what girl doesn’t?

            Well, everything I’ve dreamed of came true twice! Both at the same time. Conor Owens, the one person I’ve had a crush on since the first day of middle school, finally realized that I exist. We worked together innocently on a one-day project for our AP Calculus class. I don’t know why or how it happened but it happened and it was nice. He treated me like a princess when I didn’t make him upset or when we didn't have a fight. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world to him. He was truly what I’ve dreamt about.

            And then there’s Keller James. You could call him the “bad boy” of our school. He has tattoos and rides a motorcycle. He skips classes that he doesn’t like and he smokes. In all honesty, I don’t know why I fell for him. I guess the “bad boy” spell really is true. I knew from the moment I tripped and bumped into him that he could be the one. And all of a sudden I had two prom dates and a week to decide between the two. A hard decision it was.

            “Mom, what am I supposed to do? I like both of them.” I said.

            “Kara, honey, I can’t tell you what to do. You have to make that decision by yourself.” She said.

            “I can’t choose one over the other! The dates I’ve been on with both of them were amazing. How am I supposed to choose?”

            “I know from experience, I had to choose between your father and another man, and I love the decision I made.” She said.

            “How’d you do it?” I asked.

            “I followed my heart and you should do the same.”

            I took my mom’s advice and started thinking. Who did I have the most fun with? Who did I laugh the most with? Who did I meet first? Who asked me to prom first? The answers to all those questions was Conor. I can’t remember a time I had fun with Keller. I was attracted to him because he was a bad boy and gorgeous.

            I sighed and made my decision. I knew who I wanted and needed to be with. It was a simple answer and I knew it all along.

            I saw him at his locker and walked over to him. “Hey, Kara,” He said. “what’s up?”

            “I’ve made my decision for prom.” I said.

            “And I’m guessing it’s not me?”

            “Actually, Conor, I’m here to tell you that I want to go to prom with you.”

            He had the biggest smile on his face and asked me about the color of my dress. Prom was amazing and I felt like a princess. I don’t think I would’ve had the same experience if I went with Keller. 

The Perfect Cut

                Being an aspiring actress is not an easy life style. I ended up all by myself when I made my decision to move away from my family. Thankfully, I got my cosmetology license when I was in high school. It made getting a job a lot easier and paying for school a lot faster. I had bought myself an apartment and paid for my schooling within a month of starting my job at Great Clips. It was probably the best decision I ever made.

            Every day, I got used to seeing celebrities and almost celebrities. But nothing surprised me more than when he walked through the doors of Great Clips and asked for me. Me. I’ve never seen this guy before in my life but he seemed to know who I was. Because of how odd I thought it was, and a little bit creepy, I took my time with the customer I was with.

            Let me tell you about this guy. He stood at six feet tall with shirt brown hair. He wore his glasses into the store and I was unable to see the color of his eyes. I thought they were hazel. I have this “sixth” sense and I know, depending on their physical nature, what color their eyes are. I have this thing for hazel-eyed men. It’s actually more like an obsession. Anyway, he was built and chiseled, and his smile made me swoon. It was love at first sight.

            I finished with my first customer and walked up to the screen. I made a clicking noise. “Is Jo here?” I asked. Radio silence.

            “Emery, you have a customer who has requested your service.” Josie said.

            I looked at the screen. “Bryan?”

            He stood up and I almost fell over. I could see his abs and muscles through his tight white shirt. I snapped out of the trance he put me in and cut his hair. I did what he wanted and made no conversation with him. I wanted a clean break. There’s no way I would see him again. It’s like an once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. At least, I hoped so.

            For three months, he continuously came to get his haircut by me. And slowly our relationship started to blossom. It was small talk at first. How long have you been in town? What do you do for a living? Was haircutting your first choice for a job? Are you famous like most of the people who live here? I fell more and more in love with him as the months wore on. But there was still that nagging question of how he knew me before we met.

            “Bryan, why did you request me to cut your hair?” I asked.

            “Because a buddy of mine told me that you’re the best. He wasn’t lying.”

            “I don’t know if I remember your friend.”

            “I don’t expect you too. I just want you to remember me.” He smiled his gorgeous smile.

            “Believe me, I won’t forget you. No matter how hard I try.” I said.

            That was the last time I saw Bryan. He told me that we were getting too close and he wasn’t good at commitment and he didn’t want to hurt me. I guess I understood but either way, he hurt me.

            Maybe all I was to him was a perfect haircut.  

The Fountain of Love

                I have to admit, when I watched When in Rome, I was a little skeptical of the fountain of love. I mean, c’mon. Pulling coins out of the fountain magically make men fall in love with you? Puh-lease. If that truly happened, why isn’t there a fountain of love in the United States? Or in Russia? That would make single life a whole lot easier, knowing that someone is wishing for you. Someone that could possibly love you for the rest of your life. BUT, no. We don’t have that. We have something called “dating.” Well, it’s not really “dating” anymore. It’s “talking” now because no one has enough courage to actually talk face-to-face with another human being. We hide behind our cell phones and computers. We even lowered ourselves to dating websites.   

                Well, all my disbelief was proven wrong when I got to Rome for a class trip. I visited the Trevi Fountain, beautiful as can be, and threw in my thee coins. Legend has it that if you hold three coins in your right hand and throw them into the fountain over your right shoulder, all your wishes will come true. But the kicker is you have to go back and visit Rome for the coins to truly work.

                I can definitely say, with no regrets, that I am a sucker for love. With disbelief of When in Rome, I was still rooting for Nick and Beth to be together. Their love was real and pure, everything I want and more. I won’t lie. I cried when Beth realized that the creepy magician, played by John Header, gave her back the wrong poker chip and had to stop the whole wedding because she thought Nick was under a “spell.”

                Because of that, that’s when I decided I needed to throw coins in the fountain of love. I needed someone to be under my spell. Someone who would always be under my spell unless their coin is thrown back into the fountain (I mean, really? Who would do such a thing? Who would destroy a love so strong that no woman could ever come between it?).  

                 I’m sad to say that the trip was a bust and no one was head-over-heels in love with me. My three puny, little pennies were still in the fountain, all alone. I even followed the legend. Now, I understand why it’s a legend. IT DOESN’T ACTUALLY HAPPEN. And, When in Rome, is a fictional movie and I’m a hopeless romantic. All-in-all. LOVE SUCKS.  

Unexpected Love

                How I met Collin was never expected. I always wished that I would meet the love of my life at a bar or the mall, but never did I think I would meet him by moving into my college dorm. Collin was in the C.L.A.S.S. program and part of that program was to help move everyone into their dorms. I was lucky enough to have him helping me.

            He took his time moving things into my dorm. At the time, I couldn’t tell that he had a crush on me. I guess it didn’t click that he didn’t want to help anyone else move in, only me. And, of course, Aubrey, my roommate. He helped move everything in for the both of us and we barely had to lift a finger. He was my dream husband in teenage form.

            After he moved us in, he spent the rest of the day and “Welcome Week” with us. He bought us dinner and took us to movies. He was my male best friend and was slowly becoming the love of my life. And Aubrey felt the same. I knew I wasn’t going to fight my best friend and roommate for Collin so we agreed to let him choose who he wanted to be with.  It was the most nerve-wracking and longest week of my life.

            “Casey, I know who I want to be with.” He told me.

            “Whatever decision you made, I understand.” I said.

            “What are you talking about? I came here to tell you that I want to be with you.” He smiled. “I choose you.”

            To this day, I still don’t know why he chose me over Aubrey. She wouldn’t tell me and he refused to talk more about it. We got married shortly after school ended and moved to New York for me to live my dream as a publisher. Three years later, we had our first child and named her Aubrey after her godmother.

            The love I found was unexpected but worth every heart break and lost friend. You never know when you’ll fall in love. Embrace it and the love one you’re with. After all, they chose you. 

This Kiss

I’ve never been the one to take long walks on the beach or go for a hike through the woods, but there’s just something about walking through the leaf covered trees, with the breeze flowing through my hair. Every day, well every bad day, I found myself making my way through the maze of the same old forest, finding new and incredible things. That is, until one day. That one day changed my life.

            I walked towards the small stream that separated the two sides of the forest. I heard a splash and then a cracking noise. I don’t know what made me go towards the noise, but I was curious. I mean, it could’ve been a murderer or a rapist or an animal. I don’t know where my bravery came from. I found the source of the noise; it wasn’t a murderer or rapist, no, it was a teenage boy around my age. Covered with freckles and light brown hair, he was attractive. But none of those looks compared to his eyes. I could see right through him. Just one look and I knew his entire life story.

            He climbed up onto a log and patted the spot next to him. “Would you like to join me?” He asked, and I obeyed.

            Needless to say, I never forgot that night. That night, I met my best friend. And my first love. Spencer Wayne. I watched as his heart was broken into pieces and I watched as he found love, a love that was never shared with me. I understand that I was never one of the skinniest or prettiest people at Manchester High, but I was the only one that really understood him.

            Every day after school, we would meet up in the woods, in the same exact spot and just talk. Everything was starting to make sense in this world, until one day, my senior year in high school. Spencer was having a hard day at school, something about a rumor going around about him having herpes, so he called me up to meet him in the woods. When I got there, he was disoriented and upset. I knew how to cheer him up, so I brought a picnic basket of KFC fried chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy. He took me by surprise when he thanked me with a kiss.

            “I-I don’t know what to say.” I said.

            “Good, don’t say anything.” He said, pushing me slowly down onto the wet ground, kissing me the entire way. He was on top of me for a few minutes, until it was time for him to undress me. “Is this okay, Lilah?” I didn’t say a word, because this is what I’ve longed for all my life, so I just nodded. He pulled off my pants and was swift, like he’s done this before. It was the most amazing night of my life. I was finally with the man I loved with no strings attached, so I thought. He finally loved every part of me for who I am. Every inch of me was felt by him, his love, and his affection. After it was all said and none, he didn’t just leave me there, he stayed with me while I cleaned myself up before I went home.

            “Spence, I love you.” I said.

            “Lilah . . .” He started, but I stopped him.

            “I know this wasn’t out of your love and affection for me, but that doesn’t mean I have different feelings about you,” I said. “But do not look me in the eyes and tell me that there isn’t something here between us. I know you, Spencer, and we’ve been friends for years. There is nothing you can hide.”

            “I don’t love you like you love me. You’re my best friend, I’d do anything for you, but what you think happened tonight is different than what actually happened.”

            “What was this, Spencer?” I said.

            “I was having an off day and I needed to be with someone,” He said. “You know, be with.”

            “I don’t know what happened to you, what happened to my best friend, because when I look at you, I don’t see him.” I turned around, pulling on my pants, and walked away.

            “Lilah, don’t do this. I’m still the same Spence as I was in eighth grade, the same Spence that stood up for you when people make fun of you.” He said.

             I laughed. “Sure, but you turned out to be the exact person I thought you’d never be.” 

Sweet Summertime

                The sun was shining bright, heating the atmosphere to its highest temperature, burning skin or leaving a nice tan. Summer brought pools and bathing suits, ice cream trucks and Dairy Queen, cute guys and the lack of homework. My days were spent at the pool when I wanted a nice tan or burn or at the mall on a hot day. I sometimes curled up with a good book in my nice bed. Summer is truly the best season of the year.

                The first day of summer after my senior year in high school, my best friend Kenny and I celebrated ending high school by visiting our local water park. We played in the 6 foot deep pool and the lazy river, the kiddie pool and the not so lazy river. We shared a grape and peanut butter sandwich with chips and salsa. Shortly after lunch, we were back in the water, swimming like fish.

                While running around in the whirlpool, I looked up and there he was. Walking around the pool with his life preserver and his fanny pack, I fell in love. His blonde hair was showing through his blue visor and his muscles rippled through his tank top. I was debating against pretending to drown just so he would save me but the fact of the matter was that I was too tall to drown in three feet of water and he would just tell me to stand up.

                Instead, I asked him if he could run sunscreen on my back. He said he couldn’t do it while he was working because he couldn’t take his eyes off of the children. Of course I told him I would wait. Who wouldn’t want to wait to be touched by a hot life guard? I had Kenny rub some on my back while I waited for him to finish his shift. I already started acting like a jealous girlfriend. I made sure to swim by him every now and then to make sure there was no flirting going on with another girl.

                When he was finally done with his shift, he came and found me at my lounge chair. Being out of the water, I was more self-conscious than I was before. I took Kenny’s towel and used it to cover my body. He came up to me and sat at the bottom of my chair.

                “May I rub the sunscreen on you now?” He asked, and I almost fainted.

                I nodded and turned my back to him. “Would you like to join me in the pool?”

                He said “Sure!” and followed me into the lazy river. We shared the double donut float and just floated down the river without doing much work. We talked long enough not to realize that we went drifted through the river five or six times without stopping.

                Sometime during our swim in the not so lazy river, Kenny came to get me. It was almost closing time and I was her ride home. We exchanged numbers and I said good-bye and that I hoped to see him again.

               The rest of my summer was spent at Splash Island, swimming while Richie was working his shift, or enjoying Dairy Queen dates and Speedway Mountain Dew Freezes. I don’t know why it took so long for the sweet summertime to come, but I’m glad it happens once a year. 

Another Cinderella Story: A Swift Pitch

            I swept off my feet by the pitcher of my high school’s baseball team. The Hawks weren’t great and barely won. It was surprising that the coach still had a job. Renn Bryant was a star baseball player who cared a lot about school. He was the whole package: amazingly handsome, star baseball player, straight-A student, and a huge heart. Who wouldn’t want all of that?

            The sad thing is he didn’t know I existed. I was just some nerd he could push around and use for easy A’s. He never really used me for cheating but I was routinely his tutor. For someone who cared a lot about school, he was dumber than a sack of rocks. I worked with him every day for three weeks just for AP language. Sometimes I thought it was because he just wanted to be with me. His friends never let me believe that it was anything more than work.

            It was three months before we even thought about exchanging numbers. And of course, I couldn’t tell anyone that I had his number. He didn’t want his friends to know. I guess I didn’t want my friends to know either. It’s better to have happiness hidden inside, I guess. I mean, it’s not like we texted every second of every day.

            It started out by texting me when he needed help with a math problem and then it grew to talking about tutoring times and random other things. Our relationship bloomed from texting. It is how I told him that my step-mother works me to the bone, how I told him that I tried to kill myself, how I told him that school is the only thing I look forward to every day. I told him about my step-sisters Ally and Amy. He told me about all the stress that has been put on him because of a baseball scholarship and how he has to get into Indiana University or he can’t go to college at all. It’s like we were meant to be together.

               I thought about that for exactly two days before everything exploded. Renn’s best friends Tyler and Jason got ahold of his phone and read the messages between us. It got out that I was suicidal and had to talk to the student counselor of the school. Humiliated, crushed, and upset, I never felt so betrayed.

            Renn called me six times after the disaster but I didn’t answer. I didn’t reply to any of his text messages or emails. I didn’t answer the door when he came knocking. He broke my heart, more or less, even though we weren’t dating.

            He came to my house one last time when I was alone. “Kala, I know you’re in there. Please, can we talk?” He asked.

            “What else do you possibly have to say?” I asked.

            “Please, just let me in.”

            I opened the door and motioned to the couch. “There’s nothing more you can say to fix this.”

            “I didn’t know Jason and Tyler were going to read text messages. They claimed they were calling the coach about practice.” He said.

            “Really? Where were their phones? And it’s pure curiosity to read messages of friend’s.”

            “I didn’t do this, Kala. You have to believe me that this was not my fault. I had no idea that they’ve been looking into the relationships I start.”

            “I honestly don’t know what you’re doing here in the first place. It’s not like we were close. Just another girl used.” I said.

            “That’s not true and you know it’s not true. I told you everything in confidence and you did the same. It was not my mission to have everyone think you’re suicidal.”

            “Oh, it was your mission to make me look more like a freak than usual,” I said. “You should go. I have nothing left to say.”

            I watched as he left in his blue Chevy truck, never to return. I couldn’t believe that he thought I would believe his story about his friends. It’s well known that those three stick together and will do anything to hurt another person.

            The night of the biggest baseball game of the season, I planned on staying home and catching up on some TiVo, but my step-mother had a different idea. They wanted to watch my high school team “win” the finals. What intrigued me the most, however, was seeing Renn run off the field, leaving some other guy to do the pitching.

            “What is he doing?” Ally asked.

            “I honestly have no idea.” I said.

            I got over the fact that Renn was ruining his, after all, I’m not in it anymore, and continued to watch the game. It was almost the seventh inning when there was a knock. Of course, I thought it was the pizza guy.

            “Kala, don’t shut the door.” Renn said after I opened the door.

            “What are you doing here, Renn? You could be getting a scholarship to college and—”

            He pulled me into his arms and kissed me. It felt amazing. “I should’ve done this a while ago.” He said and kissed me again.

            After that day, we were inseparable. We went off to IU together. I watched as he became a superstar baseball pitcher and he watched as I made myself into something Ally and Amy were never going to be: an author. And we lived happily ever after.      

A Life Worth Living

            Some people think that calling someone an “innocent” name is some sort of entertainment, but deep down the names that are being said can actually hurt. Sadie Whitfield had first class experience with being bullied. She was bullied all through middle school and into high school before she killed herself.

            Sadie had amazingly vibrant red hair along with glasses that were cracked down the middle, and braces that covered her teeth. She was the smartest student in her sophomore class and was always nice to everyone, no matter how mean they were to her. She never had any real friends nor did she get invited to parties or on a date.

            She could deal with a little bullying here and there, but not every day. Everything changed on September 26, 1992. Sadie could remember that day like it was just yesterday. Ava Stockton started a rumor that ruined Sadie’s life. Ava said that Sadie was born a man, but got changed to a girl, because Sadie’s parents really wanted a daughter.

            Every day was like the one before. People pointing and laughing at her, people wore mustaches and paper penises on their pants. There were pictures of her as a man taped to every wall and on every locker for people to get a good laugh. The one thing that killed her more and more inside was the collage that was out on her locker, to remind her each and every day how much of a freak she was.

            The bullying and rumors just kept happening. Sadie tried and tried to hide herself, but they still found her. She skipped school for many days at a time and her grades started to slip. She turned to the “dark” side. She dressed in black and wore spikes. The bullying stopped for a while and she was able to fix her grades and still be number one in her class. She finished the school year with a bang and summer was her time to get away from all the bullying.

            Junior year started and Sadie was a new person. She dyed her hair blonde and got contacts. She only had a couple months left before she was able to get her braces off. No one knew who she was. She even changed her name to Savannah Shields. Within a couple of weeks, Sadie had a best friend, Raleigh, and a boyfriend, Jeremiah. But the fact that she was a fake was eating away at her. She knew she had to tell Raleigh and Jeremiah but she wasn’t ready to leave her life of love and friendship.         

            After half the year of considering this decision, she finally decided that she was going to finally tell them the truth.

            She sat down with Jeremiah the next day at lunch, “Jeremiah, I need to tell you something.”

            “And as do I.” Jeremiah said.

            “You can go first, then.”

            “Vannah, I love you.” Jeremiah said.

            There were tears forming in her eyes, but she knew she had to be strong. “Do you remember Sadie Whitfield?”  

            “Oh, yeah, that he-she? What about her?” Jeremiah asked.                         

            She reeled back like he had just slapped her in the face. She underestimated the degree of hate Jeremiah had for her. Not even a change in hair and name could differentiate the fact that she was still Sadie Whitfield.

            “I’m Sadie Whitfield, Jeremiah. I am.” She said and walked out of the cafeteria, waiting for the rumors to swirl.

            Sadie went through the same routine she did the year before. Stupid rumors were being spread, some from last year and brand new ones from this year. Jeremiah changed schools because people were saying he was gay for dating Sadie. Raleigh was teased for spending the night at Sadie’s house.

            Nothing hurt Sadie as much as that year had. She was teased and pushed. There was a time when Sadie said hi to one of her old partners and her boyfriend punched Sadie in the face. It broke her nose in two places. She had a huge, bulgy cast on her nose for six weeks. And, of course, that started even more rumors.

            Sadie couldn’t take it any longer, so she tried to talk to her parents about it, but they made it so Sadie couldn’t talk to anyone. Sadie tried to talk to her younger sister, Haiden, but she was afraid of getting the “ugly he-she” disease. She tried one last time to talk to someone; she went to her older brother, Carson and his wife, Marcy. They told her to just ignore them and throw herself into her school work.

            She tried to do what Carson and Marcy said, but the rumors and bullying just kept getting worse. She had enough of all the people turning against her. She knew there was only one way out; death. She planned everything out, nice and precise. She made sure that when she killed herself, it would not be painful, but extremely fast.

            She chose a day when she was going to consume four bottles of sleeping pills. She did it right before the last day of school, after all her finals and AP exams were over. She made sure that no one was in the house so no one could stop her. She walked into the bathroom and got the pills, she swallowed six pills in one gulp of water. At the rate she was going, all four bottles of pills were in her system within an hour. Sadie walked over to the tub and started the water. It was ice cold when she climbed in.

            It took at least an hour before she could feel her heart beat slowly to an almost stop. By the time anyone would notice she was gone, she would be dead and bully-free.

            “Sadie, honey, where are you?” her mom called.

            Sadie heard footsteps on the stairs and heard her mom open the door to the bathroom before she took her last breath. She heard a scream and sank to the bottom of the tub.

            The funeral was the hardest thing I ever had to plan, as a mother. I didn’t know Sadie was bullied, she never told me, so I thought. I know she tried to talk to me a few times, but I thought it was boy problems or something with school work.

            My husband and I reserved the Saint Mary’s church down the street and chose an Ash wood coffin for Sadie to be buried in. Augie, my husband, ordered lilacs, Sadie’s favorite flower, to put on her grave after she gets buried.

            The funeral was a breeze. Everyone said their goodbyes and some even confessed to bullying my daughter. Ava Stockton, the main person that bullied Sadie, confessed to starting all the rumors and said she was sorry for bullying Sadie into her grave.

            The funeral came to an end, but I still felt like I owed her something. Some sort of closure; some sort of movement to end bullying; something to make my daughter’s death something more than just pain.

             I was able to make the school my daughter attended to be bully-free and to make sure no one would have to go through what I had to or what my daughter had to go through. Bully-free lives means lives that will be fully lived.     

True Love

                For the longest time, I felt like a freak because I loved to read and write. My nose was always in a book during the school day and I was always in front of my laptop at night. No one understood the love I had for pretending I was a character in one of the books I read. After all, being in someone else’s life was better than living my own. It got so bad with Emily Giffin’s book Something Borrowed that I had to read it every minute of every day. It consumed my life. I was so infatuated with the fact that Dex and Rachel belonged together and that their love was never-ending. I wanted a love that theirs so bad that I lived it through them.

            It became a routine, reading Something Borrowed. I watched the movie and fell in love. After that, I had faces that went with character names, and I was in love. Colin Egglesfield became MY Dexter and I took over as being Rachel from Ginnifer Goodwin. It was the life I always wanted and more.

            Senior year came rolling around and it was time to graduate and choose the right college for myself. It was also the year I found a love greater than Emily Giffin’s book. His name was Preston Jefferson and a new kid. He loved reading just as much as I did and maybe loved it more than I did. So when he asked me out on a date, it took me by surprise. I didn’t think that he could be capable enough to feel something for someone else.

            We dated for three weeks before I was able to tell him my true feelings for him, that I love him. It was truly the best feeling I’ve ever felt, knowing that I can love someone so much and he can feel the same for me. It’s also nice knowing that this love is real and not just some character in a book.

           We ended up going to the same college together and getting married shortly after. My life with Preston is better than any story someone could write. It was real and pure love. And, for once, it was all mine. 

Gone in an Instant

                Ever look at someone and your day gets better? Whether it’s in person or through a picture, seeing his smile takes me to a whole other universe. Never in my life did I imagine I could be capable enough to love someone else like I do him. Just looking into his eyes makes my heart grow wider with compassion, with love. Running my hands through his 80s styled hair makes me feel like he’s really mine, makes this love real.

            Nolan was never one for public display of affection but because I loved holding hands and having his arms around me, he changed. He did everything in his power to make me happy. He used to tell me “If you’re happy, then I’m happy.” He even stopped hanging out with his friends because they were rude to my face and behind my back. I told him he didn’t have to let his friends go, that he just needed to be with them more and with me less. He didn’t believe me nor did he want to hear what I was saying. He chose me and that’s all that mattered.

            Not three months into our relationship and Nolan was taken from me. He was driving me home from our movie date night when a car slammed into us head-on. All I can remember was the force of the front of the car slamming into my body to where I was unable to breathe. The last thing I saw before blacking out was Nolan’s hand fitting into my waiting hand.

            When I came to, I was in a hospital room with stupid, annoying beeping and blinking lights. The first thing that came to mind was Nolan. Of course my mother told me to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t sleep without knowing if Nolan was all right. They wouldn’t tell me anything until I took more pain medication. The doctor told me that the impact of his head on the steering wheel gave him a brain hemorrhage. He died on the way to the hospital.

              Life without Nolan was a life without living. I couldn’t go to school because everything and everyone reminded me of him. I couldn’t sleep in my room because picture of him were everywhere. I couldn’t sleep at night because I had reoccurring nightmares of that night. My mom thought I was suicidal and my friends thought I was a zombie. I was a living ghost of who I used to be. After all, who I used to be died  when my other half died.   

Growing Old

Today, I celebrated my graduating of high school (although I don't technically graduate for another 6 days). It was amazing to see both sides of my family and SOME of my so-called friends. I guess growing up comes with losing some of the people you cared about and thought cared about you too. You grow apart from the ones you shared almost your entire life with, the ones you shared your deepest, dark secrets with. The ones you would take a bullet for. Today was one of those days when I realized I won't have the same friends after I move away. So, thank you, Leann, Haley, Matt, Zach, and Bekah for being amazing friends to me.

Five years ago, my family was torn apart by things that were said but not meant. It was hard not seeing my young cousins and Aunts, who I was so close with. December of 2012, my great-grandpa passed away and it brought my family close again (except for my brother, who is a whole other story). I got to see them for Christmas and Easter, and today to celebrate me graduating high school and going to college. Now, my grandmother on my mom's side is the best woman I know. She does so much for me, for my family, for my friends! I don't know how my Aunts went five years without speaking to her. That's just nuts.

My dad's side is a different story. My MawMaw passed away of breast cancer 17 days before I was born. I didn't even get to meet her. My grandfather (who I call "Poppy"), after we moved from Muncie, didn't talk to us much after that. He was barely in our lives, same with my Aunt Mindy and cousin Amanda. I do have to say, it was nice seeing them helping me celebrate this HUGE accomplishment in my life.

It's hard for me to say I'm growing up and moving on. But, a friend of mine once said, "Growing up is optional, growing older is mandatory." In so many ways, he is right.

It Gets Better

I've dealt with my fair share of heartache and pain throughout my years in high school. Someday's I thought the world was going to end, taking all my pain with it. I didn't think I could get through the pain of someone walking away from me because of relentless drama. Freshman year, I was "talking" (no one dates anymore.... weird, right?) to a guy who was less than normal. His nickname was a color. Why I liked him, I have no idea... maybe because he acted like he truly liked me back. Well, being on New Tech, there was this IM thing (we weren't supposed to be on during class time) that I was talking to my best friend about him and news got out that we were thinking about being a couple. My best friend's partners read put messages and confronted him about it. It was the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen to me as a fifteen year old. I seriously thought my life was over. He went on to date one of my close friends and then told me that I WAS cute. Needless to say, I had quite the bit of heartbreak from that kid.


No amount of heartbreak compared to the heartbreak I got from one of my brother's close friends. I liked him since the summer before my eighth grade year and onward. He was the longest crush I've ever had (still not over him and he's gone to Tennessee). It lasted four years. Some think I'm "love struck." Who knows? Well, eighth grade year, I gained some confidence and wrote him a note, expressing my love for him. At the time, I thought it would end his relationship with the girl he was dating and he would come to me. Boy was I wrong. I was "friend zoned" by him, a place I never imagined myself seeing. I'm slowly getting over him, today, but it's not easy. I see him doing BIG things, and I still wonder why I was never good enough for him. There used to be songs I couldn't listen to because they reminded me of him, but I'm able to listen to them now. Time really does heal the heart.



Anyways, what I'm trying to say is: Life Goes On and It Gets Better. It just takes some time.

Summer of Like

            Falling in love was never on my list of things to do over the summer. Actually, it never crossed my mind. I was too busy with school work, picking colleges, and working to find love. I barely had time for my friends. But seeing him sit across from me while I worked changed all of that. With his blonde hair and blue eyes, it was difficult to focus on anything other than his face. I was useless at work when he was around.

            I watched him as he sat at the corner table and drank his caramel macchiato while reading F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby. When I got up enough nerve to walk over and start a conversation about the book, he got up and walked out the door. Once he was gone, I could actually focus on work which distracted me from the fact I lost a chance with him. Who knew someone could feel such strong feelings for someone without knowing anything about him?

            Three days later, he was back. He didn’t order anything nor did he have a book to read. Instead, he just sat at his usual table and watched me work, or so I was told. I walked over to him and asked if he needed anything. Of course, he said no, and I went back to work. I bused tables, did the trash, and made blueberry muffins. And there he was, just staring at me. I tried to ignore it but the fact that he was somewhat interested in me made it difficult. 

           Towards closing, and since I was assigned to work until then, he invited me to have a blueberry muffin with him. I couldn’t tell him no. We talked about The Great Gatsby and the colleges we chose; we talked about the weather and our summer plans; and we talked about future careers. We talked about almost everything.

            We were still on a no name basis two months after our first conversation. The summer was coming to an end, and I was going away to Ball State and he was going wherever he chose at the last minute.  We continued to talk every day at the coffee shop until August 12^th. The night before I had to leave, we made plans to share a blueberry muffin at the corner table and talk about everything except about me leaving.

            The clock ticked away our time together and I had to say good bye. I gave him a hug and got up to leave. I was halfway to my car when I turned back around.

            “I don’t know your name.” I said.

            “Beck,” He said. “And yours?”

            “Caroline.” I smiled, and left, knowing that my summer was finally complete.     

One Wish

                Spending an entire weekend at my family lake house with a bunch of my brother’s annoying friends seemed like a suicide mission. Thankfully I was allowed to invite my best friend to stay with us. But what I was most excited for was the gorgeous friend of my brother’s. Mitchell Keller, with his caramel colored eyes and Justin Bieber-like hair, was a living version of my dream boyfriend and so much more. It was a last minute invite, but at least it was a distraction from the hell I was in.

                Unfortunately, the ride up to Kosciusko County was painful. I was in a van full of my mother, best friend, sister, and my sister’s friend, while my dream man was in the other van with my father and brother. I tried to distract myself with DS games and my dogs. We stopped occasionally at gas stations for bathroom breaks and to get drinks. I never saw him once during that time. It was if faith was keeping us apart.

                When we finally made it to the lake, we got some Mickey D’s. We women ate out dinner outside on the deck while the boys ate and played video games. Once again, I didn’t see him for the rest of the night. In the morning, however, I was so self-conscious that I got up early just to make my hair look semi-decent. I strutted down the stairs like I owned the place and sat right between Leann and Mitch. I waited for him to say something to me. Instead he just stared at me like I had food in my teeth. Maybe I did.

                Many activities were lined up for the day: boating, video games, and pool. The day was long and only sometimes did I get to see Mitch. However, while we were playing pool, Mitch and my brother against Leann and me, I caught him looking at me but quickly looked away when I looked at him. Of course, the one thing I could think of to do is blush. Luckily, no one caught it.

                The night flew by and the next thing I knew, we were packing up the vans, getting ready to head home. Of course, because of my so called “luck,” it was raining. I watched as Mitch was huddling in the corner, dodging rain drops and looking at me. I don’t know what went through his head or compelled him to do so, but the next thing I knew, the rain had stopped and the sun came out. Or it was the fact that Mitch blocked the rain from falling on me and his smile was as bright as the sun. I wasn’t quite sure what was happening but I was glad everyone was around to see it. He bent his head towards mine and fireworks were set off.

                His kiss was sweet and salty, and instantly made my summer ten times better. In ten seconds or less, he healed any scratch or bruising on my heart. And with one touch, my heart skipped a beat and my skin felt like it was about to fall off. And that’s when I knew what I felt was a mutual feeling between the two of us. Nothing was ever going to be the same.