I Am

I am a woman with four personalities.

On a good day, I’m a curly haired guy, who finds pleasure and peace in reading poetry, enjoys pointless tattoos, and is a singer.

On a bad day, I’m a green-eyed, cigarette smoking, car breaking, fucking potty mouthed bad boy, who is a singer.

When I’m in a goofy mood, I’m a blond haired, blue-eyed, guitar playing, always laughing, Irish man, who is a singer.

When I’m feeling like a hopeless romantic, I’m a hazel eyed, leather jacket wearing, sexy dancing, wine drinking, who is a singer.

I am me. 

The Broken Tea Cup

“My heart,” Catherin said, “was ripped out of my chest when you left me.” “You knew I was chasing my dreams. You knew I loved art,” Mason snapped. Catherin sat down to eat the spaghetti she made for dinner. “I didn't volunteer for this, you know?” She said. “You will forever be my muse.” He smiled and took a drink of tea. “I’m useless to you, you fool!” Catherin screamed. Fireworks went off outside. A dog barked. People were screaming “Happy Fourth of July!” “Useless? Oh, no, no, no. Perfect, maybe.” Mason said. “You have a twisted definition of perfection, Mason.” Catherin didn't move. Mason took a drink and dropped his tea cup on the floor. “Do you want a clean break, then?” Mason asked, standing over her.  She just stared through him. He was a ghost. “I’ve been asking for a clean break since day one,” She said. He laughed in her face and walked out the front door. A car started and drove off. Catherin slammed the door after him and laughed. She walked up the long staircase, leaving the broken tea cup lying on the floor. 

ZJM

March 25, 2015. The memories come flooding back to me as I stare out an open window at a world that will never be the same. The relentless pain, the endless crying, the sleepless nights. You broke your promise. You told me that you would be here as long as I wanted you. It was never a want, it was a need. I didn’t know five years ago that you would mean so much to me. You’re gone and it feels like part of me is missing. You were put in my life, when I needed someone to pull me from the dark pit I was tumbling into. I willingly gave a piece of my heart to you, never for it to be returned. You gave it back, broken. You’re gone and I don’t know what to do. 

The Vineyard

The sweet smell of grapes fill the air, as I make my way down the long path leading to where everyone was waiting, my red hair pulled up in a braided ponytail, flowers peppering the braid. My dress drags the ground behind me, collecting sand with each step. Peach flowers line the rows of white chairs where the guests sit. My grasp on my father’s arm tightens as we inch closer to the front of the aisle. The pit of my stomach continues to fill with butterflies as I see the love of my life waiting for me. His smile grows as he sees me and the amount of butterflies double. My father’s grip on my arm loosens and my hands get clammy, knowing that in less than a few minutes, my life will be changed forever. My father plants a quick kiss on my cheek before giving me away to another man who intends on taking care of me for the rest of my life. 

My Angels

The way he was standing, back against the sun, he looked like an angel. The sun his halo. A dog ran in-between us and his beautiful face sculpted the brightest smile. His teeth so white, his lips so pink. I couldn’t help but imagine the form his lips would make saying my name. Another guy came and stood next to my angel. I looked into his eyes and imagined I was lost at sea, his arms secured around me, giving me his warmth. He touched my arm and my skin went up in flames. A car pulled into the park behind us, and I didn’t need to look to see who it was. “What is this?” I managed to say before the car doors opened and closed with such force. “You know what this is.” My angel spoke first. I faintly heard a baby crying in the distance. “Am I dead?” I looked down at my arms, my scars.  The three other guys joined the blue-eyed beauty and my angel. A gun shot was heard and I watched as the five guys in front of me fell, one-by-one. Before I could scream, I heard someone whisper my name. I looked around, the noise getting louder. “Diana!” the person yelled. I woke with a start to see my husband holding my newborn. Behind him were my three beautiful boys. 

Lie to Me

She stood in front of them, tears falling from her eyes. Somehow, she knew this meeting wasn’t going to end the way she was expecting it to. The garden looked bright, vibrant against the grey of the sky. It was going to rain. The green-eyed man tried to look everywhere but her tear-stained face. “Say it!” She screamed, “tell me you don’t love me!” She turned on them. “And you, and you, and you, and you!” She cried. “God damn it! Just say it already!” She dropped to her knees. “Please, someone just say it so I can move on.” She begged. They stood over her as she cried, each handing her a rose, as if to say “Sorry.” For what? They weren’t so sure, but it felt right. The blue-eyed man bent down and kissed her on the cheek and whispered every so lightly, “I can’t say that we don’t love you. It would be a lie.” She cried harder, remembering everything she went through, everything they helped her through. She thought about the life she had because of them. Happiness. They brought her the happiness she always yearned for.  “Please,” her voice barely over a whisper, “tell me that you don’t. Lie to me.” The beautiful man with sea-green eyes stepped forward. It started to rain, a boom of thunder sounded in the distance. They stood in the rain, not moving. “Lying to you would be us lying to ourselves, love.” The beautiful man said. The wind picked up speed, blowing her hair around her face, shielding her falling tears. Another rumble of thunder sounded as the brown-eyed man put his arm around her. A strike of lightning flashed in front of them. “Why are you still crying, love? We love you. That’s all that matters.” He said.  She looked at each one of them and wondered why they cared so much. The rain started to pour, the sound of thunder approaching quickly. “Please, just tell me.” She cried. The hazel eyed man walked towards her. He put his hand on her shoulder. “We don’t love you.” His voice cracked. They turned away from her and her tears stopped falling. She was finally free from the debt she owed them, that she so desperately wanted to pay and forget about. Each of the men kept a part of her that she willingly gave to them, in hopes to never get back. They took her bad parts in exchange for good. She was good. She was better. She was finally happy. 

Sonas, A Prose Poem

Sonas

The thought never crossed my mind: that you could be happy with someone else. I always had a plan for us, you see? It was you and me against the world. You and me walking through gardens, crashing ridiculous weddings our friends invited us to, and kissing under the moonlight. You were my happy ending turned tragedy.

I see the pictures of you with her, and my heart shatters. We could have been so happy, nothing but our shared life ahead of us.  The adventures we could have taken, the places we could have gone. You promised me a trip back to London, a trip to Ireland. You promised me. You were my stars on a clear night turned cloudy.

Knowing that you’re happy with her should make me happy, yes? In all honesty, you were supposed to be mine. Remember when we first met? The crowded bus in the middle of London, you gave up your seat for me.  I promised myself that night that I would make you mine. You were my knight in shining armor turned evil.

The realization of this made me realize that you were never really mine. I never actually had you. I never got the chance to have an amusement park date with you, play monopoly with your family, go ice-skating at a park in London, have a fancy dinner at an Italian restaurant, go horseback riding with your nephew, or take a walk by the canal. You were my fantasy turned reality.

You are a mere figment of my imagination. A picture on my wall. The background on my phone. A pretty face I see on the telly every night. The one I dream about frequently while I’m sleeping. The one that will never know I exist. The one that will always have whatever is left of my heart. You were my heart turned black hole.